There is a popular marriage book called Love and Respect. All my dear married friends talk about the subject. Women need love. Men need respect. Respect is more than words. A wife wants to hear her husband say “I love you,” (and men don’t mind hearing their wives say it, I suspect). She also needs his love to be demonstrated. Likewise respect must be lived out.
Respect is an attitude. It’s how a woman talks about a man, or her attitude when he’s talking to her. Things she refrains from saying or doing can be as important to demonstrating respect as what she says. Even when he isn’t there, a wife can respect her husband by the things she tells about him and the way she tells them to her girlfriends or children. Respect is important to a man, just like being cherished is important to a woman.
For example, a counselor (author of the book?) once heard a wife tell him that she loved her husband, but couldn’t respect him. He reversed the question and asked how she would feel if her husband confessed that he respects her, but just doesn’t love her. Obviously she would be devastated. The implication is that a man is equally devastated to hear that his wife doesn’t respect him.
Yet our society considers love a prerequisite for marriage, and so judges a man who doesn’t love his wife. Respect is often something a wife never considered. She didn’t know she was failing. She thought she was respectful, taking literally the phrase, “all due respect.” If her husband was communicative, he may have mentioned his desire for respect, at which point she got defensive, and considered him most unfair. If he wanted respect, maybe he married the wrong woman. After all, he is the same man who (insert ridiculous quirk or character flaw here).
What does a wife do if she cannot respect the man because he is not respectable? There are many testimonies to the change wrought in a man, even after years of marriage, when a woman chooses to respect him. Picking the things that are admirable in his character, she praised that to him and to others. She prioritized her life around the things that were important to him. In Wives and Daughters, the soon to be Mrs. Gibson asks Molly to tell her all her father’s little likes and dislikes, so that she can be a pleasing wife. The first thing Molly tells her, however, is something that Mrs. Gibson sets out to “cure.” Her behavior did not show respect. The villain in Wives and Daughters, a very human and almost pitiable Mr. Preston, is by no means a respectable man, but Molly appeals to him as though he were, and goads him on to more honorable behavior.
I think this dilemma of being married to a man you don’t respect is a symptom of our dating culture. Our paths to marriage have been all about falling in love. How many girls fall in love with someone and feel like the dad on Stepmom, that marriage is the next step? The hurting son in the movie asks his dad if, since a husband and wife can ‘fall out of love,’ can a parent can fall out of love with his kids? Love is a choice. I believe that, and think the dad was wrong to divorce his wife.
What if he had “fallen” in respect with his wife? Think of a man sitting in a field plucking petals: she respects me, she respects me not… However, respect is more obviously a choice.
Our modernized fairy tales are full of falling in love. I’m a romantic, and I appreciate Disney’s animated fairy tales. But don’t they have more resemblance to Sir Walter Scott than to Grimm’s? Think about the original versions of fairy tales you know.
Take Sleeping Beauty. A man risks everything for her, and she without even really knowing him delights to be his bride. Why?
Cinderella knows the prince’s character, and they share a romantic enchantment for a few hours one night before he scours the kingdom to claim her. Aside from the obvious appeal of a maid marrying a prince, why would she do that? If she were a romantic, would an evening’s dance be sufficient?
Beauty – is she won over by the love of the Beast in the original tale? What about Snow White – seemingly romantic, singing someday my prince will come – ultimately married to a man whose fascination with her beauty jolts her into life again – literally.
Snow White and Rose Red is perhaps the most romantic fairy tale, its hero repeating the plea, “Snow White, Rose Red! Will you beat your lover dead?” Even in that story the chosen bride is not apparent, and the second sister is married to the hero’s previously unmentioned brother.
Yet the hype of every movie and story popular today is falling in love or the misery in marriage if you don’t.
In fact respect before marriage is a concept often trampled by the rush to feed and give in to love. Instead, respect marriage and respect the other person. Value them more than the relationship, more than the attraction. Purity, modesty, submission, counsel, and a long-term focus are ways to express respect for each other before marriage. They are also characteristic of the courtship movement. (Allow me to interject that as I thought about this topic, I followed it to this place; this is not designed as a defense of courtship.)
Whereas the dating culture is all about flowers, butterflies, and the kiss that tells you he’s the one; courtship has a focus on boundaries, on matching emotion and expression to the level of commitment. And I suppose that’s all I really want out of calling a relationship a courtship: not a strict set of rules and prohibitive encounters, but intentionality in building respect even as you grow in love. The idea is not only to more accurately find a spouse with less regrets (at giving away your heart or more), but to prepare for married life.
“Intentional” could speak to the willful direction of a relationship. Historically, a suitor came to the father (and thereby to the lady) to make his intentions known. That factor alone could make a world of difference in dating relationships. If each would regularly express their intentions for the relationship, or at least begin by honestly telling each other what the goal is, dating would be less complicated and harmful.
Being intentional in either aspect, and preparing for marriage, could explain the tendencies to short courtships. Practicing love, respect, submission, confidence, and preference is hard to do without wanting to move right into the real deal. Or courtships could be short because they’re begun only after at least one party is willing to consider marriage. Part of the important observation and decision-making is done before the first date.
Coincidentally, I think that “respect” is the less hated buzz-word translating the Greek hupotasso, usually translated in the Bible as “submit” or “be obedient.” In Ephesians 5, women were not told to make sure they didn’t usurp their husbands any more than the men were forbidden from hating their wives. Love is a positive thing. Women should embrace submission. All along the Bible has had the instructions for successful marriages.
Colossians 3:18, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.”
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn
Practicing love, respect, submission, confidence, and preference is hard to do without wanting to move right into the real deal. WORD.
You sound like you’ve got a pretty good head on your shoulders.
“Dating” as it is commonly practiced really does nothing to prepare people for marriage, despite popular belief. I think courtship is generally a much better approach because you really do focus on developing characteristics that will help during marriage and on getting to know one another. Even with courtship, there will be little quirks your husband/wife has that you didn’t know about before marriage, but I think the attitude that most people have about courtship will enable the couple to work through any hardships.
A woman in my Sunday school class also sent me this link:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/topics/downloads/index.php?id=9471
a while back. It is a 30-day challenge on how to pray for, encourage, and submit to your husband (if you’re a wife). Biblically based, this is good stuff.
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn
Hi Lisa! I saw your blog on my dashboard, great words!!!
I’ve begun praying for our pastor and his wife from the revive our hearts site. It makes me more intentional than just trusting myself to hear the spirit lead 🙂
Wow this was potentially one of the most intelligent posts I’ve had the chance to go over on the subject so far. I do not have any idea where you get all of your data but keep it coming! I am gunna send a few folks on over to take a look at this post. Amazing, totally awesome. I am just getting into crafting articles myself, nothing compared to your writing potential (lol) but I would love for you to have a look at my work in progress someday!
This is a lovely post, much thought went into it. We as Christians can learn much from learning from Christ’s teachings in an academic way, and that means understanding more about human interaction dynamics. In those days, wives were advised to act submissive because of the way the times were. When a class of people is in the position of second, like African Americans were in the time of slavery, the only advice to give is to act in submission; otherwise the consequences will be great. If however, the husbands, and all of the men, were behaving according to the Bible, the wives would not need to be live in submission. This advice was about the social climate which was dangerous to women, and dangerous because it was a group mindset. If the whole community agrees that African Americans should be subordinate, then a black person whose behavior shows normal and healthy self-esteem will be punished for insubordination. To put it another way; if a wife is devoted to Christian ways, and the husband is abusive to his children, or neglectful, or criminal, how then would a wife be submissive? She can not submit and remain Christian. This advice was given because the men were not behaving with humility or respect. Men who act as Christians have no need of a submissive wife. A partnership in marriage is two human beings who share a common vision, and whose strengths are thoroughly utilized, respected and encouraged, not a dynamic of “I’m the boss” and “yes master”. There is only one master. To assume dominance over another is not Christ-like, nor is to submit to another human being before submitting to God.
Thank you for your posts, they are quite enjoyable and thought provoking!
M. Black, I respectfully disagree with your interpretation, and here is why:
6 Biblical Reasons a Woman should Submit to a Man (especially her Husband) –
The head of woman is man. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
Man was formed first, then woman. (1 Timothy 2:13)
Woman was made for the man, not man for woman. (1 Corinthians 11:9)
Woman was deceived. (1 Timothy 2:14)
Husbands and wives represent Christ and the Church respectively, so wives must submit to their own husbands as the Church must submit to Christ. (Ephesians 5:24)
Choosing to be in subjection adorns a woman; this act demonstrates her faith in God. (1 Peter 3:5)
None of these reasons are cultural. In an ideal relationship where both parties are submitted to Christ first, the submission won’t be at all irksome. But it will still be submission. Interestingly, women are commanded to put themselves in submission – not men to put themselves in dominance. This position has been given to them by God; they are not assuming it, but rather receiving it: from God and from women who are obedient to God. I do believe men have a responsibility to lead well (in love and righteousness and gentleness – 1 Peter 3:7).
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn
Hello Lisa,
I am familiar with the book you are addressing in this post and I understand it to be a resource for married couples. I’m curious to hear more of your thoughts on this which you wrote:
“Purity, modesty, submission, counsel, and a long-term focus are ways to express respect for each other before marriage. They are also characteristic of the courtship movement.”
Before marriage. Purity, modesty, and counsel, yes. But submission? To what extent? This is a confusing thing for me because some people say yes you should and others say no, not until marriage. I’m pretty deferential by nature, but I’m still confused as to what my obligation regarding that is, during dating, courtship / exclusive dating, engagement. Does it increase throughout that process? I think respect, of course, is paramount. But to what extent submission before ‘I do’? I would appreciate your thoughts on that.
Thanks!
PS. The comment from “nora” above looks like spam 😉
Good questions, Sarah.
I’ve wrestled with what submission should look like before marriage, and have had multiple conversations with friends who are working it out, too. I agree that there should be a distinction between the submission granted to a man who is not your husband versus the man who is.
In some things, I think women should generally submit to men, especially if they are in a position of authority – like pastors in churches. I also think it is good to encourage men to be leaders in life, whether we are courting them or married to them or not. This isn’t quite the same sort of deference you owe to your head (father or husband). And this sort of encouraging men to lead by waiting on them and doing what *they* want and asking them to take the lead instead of telling them what to do or just doing things on your own – it could increase according to the level of commitment you have to building up that particular man.
But I am sure that I believe that, if a woman has a father, he is her head and authority until the day she marries. If ever in conflict, her father’s will takes precedence over her boyfriend’s or fiance’s. And even though you keep on honoring your father after you’re married, your husband’s will takes that first spot.
If I remember, I’ll let you know what I do when I am on my way to marriage. =)
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn
PS: I figure Nora’s comment isn’t hurting anything, and just in case it is real, I’ll leave it.