I have had two modesty revolutions in my life. My parents raised me with rules for modest dress that were moderately conservative in the first place, so these revolutions weren’t very drastic. But they were significant.
When I was 18 and packing for a week at summer camp, it wasn’t a wild rebellion I was converting from; it was legalism. Now usually legalism-rejection is thought of as release from rules, but in this case it was understanding them, and even strengthening their practical outworking by my new convictions.
As a young woman hoping to be married and with an eye on one boy in particular, I had been feeling disappointed at the lack of romantic attention. I’d been, à la purity movement, attempting to wrestle back crushes and all feelings of attraction preceding open commitment, which did at least have the advantage of helping me to trust God with the hope that He’d keep me from getting too involved with a man not meant for me. But looking back, my philosophy of disguise and suppress had the disadvantage of being at least as responsible for my loneliness as was my modest dress. I didn’t think of all that while I was packing that year. I felt that form-fitting, curve-accentuating tank tops which barely met the letter of the dress code were a promising, take-charge strategy for demanding that one boy’s attention.
As Providence would have it, though, the radio station I’d been listening to as I folded and tried on, counted and packed, began to play a women’s Bible study program I’d recently discovered. I don’t remember anymore the exact words Nancy Leigh DeMoss said, except that it convinced me my motives were all wrong: that the core meaning of modesty is to NOT force others to give us attention and praise. Feeling the conviction of the power play I’d been intending, I pulled everything out of my suitcase to start over, not even daring the temptation of brining the tanks to layer with other things (the reason I owned them at all).
For the second paradigm shift, we have to fast forward several years, past the full-Victorian skirt alternating with denim in classic homeschool style phase, and through a deep contemplation of biblical teachings on gender roles and leadership. This revolution was more gradual. Part of it was a maturing familiarity with what did and didn’t look good on me personally. More forceful was the conviction that too much “modesty” or inattention to beauty was making it hard for Christian men and also younger girls and even non-Christian women to resist the allure of worldly, far less modest women.
At this time of my life, I had been introduced to sidewalk counseling. And I noticed that one of the ladies who’d been out there most consistently, and had dozens of “saves” over the years, always did her hair and came in a nice blouse and comfortable, but nice pants or jeans. She didn’t wear t-shirts with messages that would scare non-Christians away. There’s a place for confrontational t-shirts, but her goal was to invite women to interact with her, to listen to the help she offered, and to trust her. I imagined being one of those pregnant women, with so many misplaced values. While overcoming the prejudices against people outside abortion clinics, personal fears of motherhood, and priorities of a life without a child for the present – did these girls also have to be asked to get past a slovenly or completely out-of-date appearance of the one offering help? The other lady was older, not very likely to incite jealousy in women walking in with boyfriends, but I still look fairly young, and try to balance my look with being approachable but, harkening back to my first revolution, not demanding attention that would make me seem a threat to a potentially fragile relationship. I want to be “all things to all people” without being on the level of immodesty that some of these women practice.
Young girls seek role models. They look around for someone who looks beautiful, and try to imitate all they see. It’s natural. Admittedly, girls go through stages where they believe anything with glitter and sequins is pretty; then they hit the lace stage, and move on to the dangly earrings. At least I did, as a kid. So I’m not saying young girls are the most discerning. But they can tell, when someone is trying to look good, and that shapes what they define as beautiful.
Young men were once young boys who probably experienced a similar thing as the young girls, though I have not had any direct experience, and far fewer conversations on the subject with men. Additionally, though, they start to shape convictions, all muddled together with ideals of modesty and what sort of woman would make them the sort of wife that would go with the sort of life they’re aspiring to. And here’s where it gets tricky, because Christian young men are taught to value modesty. They don’t have to be taught to value beauty; it’s kind of built in. A good Christian woman may or may not be pretty, but she must be modest. That’s the kind of girl to keep an eye out for. So the youth pastors and the parents and the mentors say. But biology and Disney and pretty much ever commercial or TV show ever tells them that they should look for a woman who will make them happy. And that, they soon discover, is far easier to feel when a woman is looking her best. But guess what: the good, modest Christian girls are so busy being modest that they’re not trying to be beautiful.
A good Christian teenage girl is taught to consider her brother, and to esteem his needs and temptations. Therefore, she must be careful to cover up. No argument. My revolution came when I realized that my Christian brothers needed the help of their sisters combining modesty with looking good. It wasn’t fair to give them the impression – whether they were interested in me personally or not – that in order to choose a good woman, they had to sacrifice beauty. It just wasn’t helpful to demand that men eschew every pretty women for one who looked like Mary Bailey, librarian, in the nightmare “what-if” of It’s A Wonderful Life: camouflage-like earth tones, hair pulled back into a tight pony tail, unadorned lips pressed together in a disapproving refusal to laugh. It wasn’t edifying to try to redefine beauty as only having to do with the inside.
Don’t get me wrong. “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” That’s advice given in the Bible to a man about what kind of woman is a good wife. And men should absolutely be taught that. Disney should be defied, with their lies that following your heart is the way to live, and that attraction is the way to know if she’s “the one”. Attractions can and do change completely, or ebb and flow. The lies are destructive not only to choosing spouses, but to staying married. They lie about what marriage (and sex) even is about. These things that I believe rather fiercely were all also at the forefront of my mind as I met this second revolution.
I decided to change, to be way more intentional about how I look, to be competitive for the delight of little girls, to use my appearance to speak of my intentions to stand-offish abortion-minded women, and to make it easier for any man to believe that a woman can be good and pretty. And if a man is supposed to love me, I don’t want to make it hard for him!
I decided to do my Christian brothers and sisters (and hopefully myself) a service and give them something pleasant and non-seductive to look at. If a good song or a lovely painting can be expressions of creativity designed to point attention to our beautiful God, then can’t the way we present ourselves communicate good things, too? God made beauty, and attraction, and within appropriate limits, I wanted to represent those truths. I tried to encourage my girl friends to think about these things. Little girls I know are dazzled by jewelry, make-up, and pretty clothes. I wanted to show them those things could be enjoyed without short skirts and revealing tops. Their moms needed reinforcement that immodesty isn’t the exclusive manifestation of beauty. Neither does one have to be unattractive to have good character. I began wearing necklaces often, especially around little girls obsessed with sparkle. I found clothes that fit and were sometimes even fashionable! A while later, I noticed the actresses whose eyes and faces I liked the most wore subtle eye-liner, so I got some and figured out for the first time how to use that one kind of make-up, still not every day, but sometimes.
It is still hard, to care but not too much. It is a battle to allow myself to be attractive without worrying too much about being “all kinds of perfect” (until I can invite input from my own husband, whose opinion ought to count for a lot!) I have to deal with a bit more unwanted attention. To be honest, my wardrobe is more lax than it used to be: I own shorts and sleeveless tops, for example.
Whether my ideas are “working” is hard to say, but I believe I’ve hit on some truths that are wroth responding to, however we do it.
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn
Read Full Post »
Lisa of Longbourn 